The preacher addressed his small congregation. It was the day of the dedication of a new enclosed brick barbeque grill, donated by the Kiwanis Club.
It was a day for a cookout on the newly donated grill, so the church was practically full. Appropriate thanks were given to the Kiwanis club and the program was turned over to one of the Elders for church announcements. He too, expressed his appreciation for the grill and called for a great big praise clap.
He then asked if anyone would like to give praise for answered prayers. An elderly lady, (not ancient mind you) but up in years, stood up and asked to give her praise for answered prayers.
She stepped out into the aisle, cleared her throat, took a few backward steps so as to have eye contact with the gathered flock and spoke thusly: "Two months ago, my husband Tom, who most all of you know, had a horrific accident on his motorcycle.
He swore to me and on his dear sainted mother's grave that he had had nothing to drink and the entire accident was caused by an 8 point buck that decided to take a shortcut across a four lane highway upon which Tom was unfortunately traveling.
Upon seeing the trespassing buck, he swerved, and thank goodness he missed the deer, but he was not so lucky with the guard-rail, which he hit pretty much head on.
The guardrail was hard and unyielding, consequently my husband flew forward, sort of straddling the handlebars. He said it made an awful crunching sound.
The impact was so severe that his entire scrotum area was crushed to smithereens. [you could hear a muffled groan from the congregation, mostly from the men]. She continued, "He was in excruciating pain and had to wear this little plastic wrap thingy to hold the pieces together until surgery could be arranged. [ditto on the groans]
"Tom," she continued, "could not lift anything without shooting pains. He could not even hug me or nothing." [louder groans, mostly from the men, but the women were devilishly silent]. I prayed to God to send me a good scrotum doctor. The very next day Elvira, my bingo partner, called me and gave me the name of a doctor.
She explained that her husband had fell off their barn and landed astraddle a split rail fence. [a chorus of ooohs, ouch and aahs] She gave me the doctor's name her husband used and told me he was a specialist in scrotum surgery.
The doctor was very candid with me and told me that the scrotum was smushed so bad that he would have to delicately piece everything back together. [oooooh! mostly from the men; muffled snickers from some of the women].
The operation was a success and the doctor was able to put all the pieces back in their proper place, with the exception of a few bits of skin which were lost on impact.
It was a rather painless procedure, except for a moment when a suture knotted up and had to be forced through some tough tissue. [a man on the 3rd row of the pew slumped over; some say he fainted]
"Tom is out of the hospital now and doing fine except for when he coughs. The doctor told me that the pain Tom experiences while coughing is due to a constrictor wire that was wrapped around Tom's entire scrotum to prevent swelling or movement. [two men on the 4th row got up and left....gasping]. Tom's okay now though. Praise the Lord! [groans and snickers all around, about 50/50].
The preacher, looking rather pale, stood and asked if anyone else had an answered prayer praise to give, though he really hoped, following what he had just heard, no one did.
A gentleman who was seated by the lady who just spoke arose slowly and squeezed, with much effort and grimacing in obvious pain, out into the isle beside the woman.
The congregation collectively held their breath in mixed anticipation. Slowly he spoke in a weak and strained, high pitched voice. "Like my wife just said, most of you know who I am and that it was me who crashed into the guardrail. It's no secret. But what I want to tell you, my church family, as well as my wife who just offered praise for her answered prayer, that she is mistaken about my injury. Oh, I was injured alright, but I just wanted to tell you all that the correct word is Sternum."
Studdard is a Fayette County attorney and regular conservative columnist for this paper. He can be reached at studlaw2000@yahoo.com |
